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Healthier ways to argue: When you need to rock the boat

Physical and emotional health

14 May 2025

Dr Rebecca Johnson

Consultant Clinical Psychologist, Dr Rebecca Johnson, shares some thoughts about having difficult conversations.

When two people live together, they must navigate their individual needs on the back of different histories, expectations and family cultures. It may go smoothly most of the time, but it is normal to hit bumps in the road, unless you are both so accommodating of each other that you never put your own needs forward!

How would you describe those moments of asserting yourself that, despite best intentions, always seem to result in falling out with your partner? Is it an argument? Having a row? A disagreement? Bickering? A shouting match? Maybe a squabble? How incredible that the English language has so many words to describe a rupture in a close relationship! Some terms may feel relatable; others may trigger a sharper reaction.

Often, the topics which may cause disagreements can feel tricky to talk about. These might be sensitive issues that we have a particular view on or strongly believe in, which, when expressing our true feelings, can leave us feeling vulnerable as we wait to hear our partner’s own thoughts. Perhaps some of these topics could include:

How you both handle finances
Distribution of household chores (including what exactly constitutes as ‘clean’)
Your joint relationship with parents and in-laws
Family planning and thoughts around the bedroom (including how often!)
Childcare practices
How you spend your evenings as a family
Political or religious views
How much time apart is good for you both, doing separate activities or hobbies

Talking about these topics is really important, especially if they are issues that are playing on your mind. The option of ignoring them can be tempting. But not addressing them means not expressing your own needs and values, and this can cause resentment, miscommunication and misunderstanding further down the road.

“ How do I know when it’s the best time to raise how I’m feeling? What if they don’t see my point of view? What if I end up feeling worse than I did before the conversation?

These ‘what ifs’ can have a big impact on how we feel before talking about sensitive topics. And whilst we cannot promise that you will feel better or that everything will be instantly fixed after one conversation, we do have some suggestions to support you to approach these conversations together as a team – supporting one another in a close, connected relationship that builds your relationship rather than tear it down…

1. Take turns

It may sound really simple, but when we feel passionate about something, it can be hard to stop and allow the other person space to talk, and finish what they are saying. Some couples find it helpful to set time aside for specific conversations and to use a timer to make sure turns are equal. Or they may pass an object between them to signify whose turn it is to talk. Actually, just having the concept of handing over to the other person and being careful to maintain a back-and-forth pattern can help structure these more difficult discussions.

2. Learn to appreciate your differences

You and your partner will likely bring different family cultures, expectations and ways of dealing with conflict to your relationship. Appreciating and understanding that the way you react in certain circumstances is influenced by your past experiences can help bring understanding in those moments when you feel like going head-to-head.

3. Listen to understand, rather than to respond

You may have a point you want to get across, but taking a step back to really listen is an essential relationship skill that we especially draw on when conflict is bubbling up. Proper listening may involve the process of containment. That is, attending to the other person’s words and body language, tuning into their experience, maybe even feeling some of what they are feeling within yourself, and feeding back what they’ve said to you to show you ‘get it’. It’s about having genuine curiosity to understand how the other person is feeling, to see things from their perspective (even though it can feel hard to at points!). This can help give you that helicopter view of what you’re discussing.

4. Asserting your needs

There are ways of saying what you need without putting the other person on the defensive. Being assertive is important, but the skill is in being assertive without being aggressive. They are very different things. You could try saying ‘when x… I feel y…’ instead of ‘you make me feel….’. For example, ‘when you leave the decisions up to me, I feel a bit alone and overwhelmed’ instead of ‘why do I have to do everything around here’. Or ‘When you raise your voice, I feel like you don’t respect my view’ rather than ‘Don’t you shout at me’.

Then, you can introduce the picture of what you think would help, building on your understanding of the situation from both sides (see #3). What about saying ‘I understand that… it would be better for me if… Can we try…’

5. Have compassion for them... and yourself

We are all human. We all make mistakes or say things we regret, so it is important to have compassion and forgive one another. When talking about arguments, you may hear people talk about ‘rupture and repair’. All relationships will experience ruptures at one point or another. Repairing is an active choice when ruptures occur. It means saying sorry, acknowledging when you were harsh or unkind, or too quick to judgement, or so tired you shouted, and so on. Forgiving your partner comes from understanding what was behind their behaviour too, and of course letting them know you understand their ‘why’, even if you don’t like their ‘how’, can help re-establish your relationship equilibrium.

Nobody is going to get it right every time, and becoming attuned to your partner takes practice. Approaching tough topics can be hard, but if you are able to work through them and repair the rupture – then your relationship becomes more resilient, because you know you can navigate these knottier issues. The next time you encounter a rupture, you can stand on past experience and know you can make it through tough times together.